A Girls Honesty

I want to start by saying that I wish I had allowed myself to go through the motions of feeling my feelings. I denied myself what it would have been like to feel such deep emotion. I was in complete denial of the sadness I felt. I used alcohol and marijuana to mask the despair. And I lied to those around me because I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I saw it as “if he was dumb enough to lose me, I shouldn’t be dumb enough to cry about it.”

The first couple of days, I was in disbelief that our relationship had ended so quickly. It was out of anger that I broke up with him. Our relationship had gotten to the point where I felt like anything I did didn’t matter to him. Then, finally, I snapped on Christmas because he decided to spend Christmas with his best friend instead of me and my family. There had been quite a few reasons why we kept fighting and bickering, but this was the last straw for me. I was so enraged that I grabbed a few of my things and left his house. As I was driving away, I texted him I would come by to pick up my stuff later that week. Four days later, he responded to me, “If we were going to end the relationship, he would like to do it in person.” Now, this fight may seem small, but after multiple attempts on my part to try to make the relationship work, I had to accept that he didn’t. The small fight told me where I stood in our relationship. I believed I didn’t matter to him, and the Christmas situation solidified my assumption.

I was so sad, and I didn’t understand that the heartbreak was not just because I was absolutely in love with him but because we had planned a life together. We had lived together. We had planned around each other almost every day, and I wasn’t just grieving our relationship but the end of our friendship. It was crazy to know someone you loved so deeply and then not know anything about them, but two months later, we got back together, and we are better and stronger than we ever were. We plan on getting married, possibly starting a family, and finally taking those steps to move forward. However, during my break up, I was so doped up that I never really felt the heartbreak… I felt sad every day, but it was a numb type of sad. I had those days where it felt like I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And I felt so crippled feeling that way, so using alcohol and marijuana numbed the feeling of being stuck in that emotion. Not only was I lying to myself. I was also lying to people around me because I kept saying I was OK; I was doing great. Don’t worry about me. I’m moving on. I’m moving forward, but I wasn’t moving forward; I was avoiding the problem.

My heart was so sad, and I couldn’t even help myself. I just needed the pain to stop. Let me tell you, alcohol is not the solution because the amount of anxiety that I was running on during those two months was rough. I wish I had a time-traveling machine so I could go back and give myself a hug. I also wish I could tell myself to stop using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain but to actually feel it. To sit there and feel all of those emotions, to sit there and feel what sadness and grief felt like, and to not deny those emotions to myself. I denied that blessing of feeling genuine, deep emotion.

I am a child of God, so I did pray a lot and constantly spent time with God. I will be the first to say that I did not grieve correctly. I’m not mad at myself for how I grieved my relationship, but I wish I could’ve been a little more graceful with myself. I love God, and I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ. In my next post, I will talk about God and my relationship during this time. And yes, I have asked Him for forgiveness a thousand times because I was acting WORLDLY.

If you find yourself in my shoes, I advise you to feel your emotions. Every single one of them. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to feel embarrassed. Allow yourself to feel broken to no repair. Let those emotions out with tears. Cry. Cry till your eyes have no more tears to give. I wish I would have felt my feelings. They were mine to feel, and I avoided them. Lastly, invite the Holy Spirit to sit and cry with you. Allow Him to translate your tears of despair to the Father. May He heal you and be near you. My love and encouragement goes out to you. You will get through this! In Jesus’ name, amen.